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19 January 2009 @ 04:36 am
[JE] Of Ulcers, Mistakes and Angry Hedgehogs  


Title: Of Ulcers, Mistakes and Angry Hedgehogs
Fandom: JE fandom [Arashi/KAT-TUN]
Pairing: Matsumoto Jun/Kamenashi Kazuya, ie., Matsukame
Summary: There was one advantage to having to do thirty photoshoots a week: it was automatic. But photoshoots were boring and boredom meant idleness of mind, and that meant that his mind wandered… to places where he definitely didn’t want it to drift. For example, to that dreadful night he refused to think about. Why did he still remember?
Genre: Humour, romance, Nino being a bastard
Word count: 1822
Notes: Thanks to _arcadia , daniela_lynx (who's not even into JE bands) and  fujigaya who beta'ed this.

There was one advantage to having to do thirty photoshoots a week: it was automatic. Robotic even. Mechanical! And he had already run out of synonyms. Maybe he should have gone to college. If Yamapi could do it then why wouldn’t he, Kamenashi Kazuya, worrywart extraordinaire and renowned workaholic, be able to do it? He was one of the most overworked idols but if he did less dramas, maybe he’d have the time to actually go to college…

But photoshoots were boring and boredom meant idleness of mind, and that meant that his mind wandered… to places where he definitely didn’t want it to drift. For example, to that dreadful night he refused to think about. Why did he still remember?

He wanted to forget, sometimes. But sometimes he wasn’t so sure about it. It had been good and you shouldn’t forget good things.

He did want to call, but… no, he didn’t want to call. Why for? It had been one night and yes, the sex? Unbelievably amazing. Who would have thought Matsumoto Jun actually wanted you to have an orgasm instead of just pleasuring himself? And yet.

Something rang. Was that Jin’s cell phone? Yes, it had to be because it had some stupid hip-hop melody or something like that. Did nobody have good taste in music anymore? So, they weren’t exactly great musicians, but at least they sounded good. Half of the time. OK, sometimes, if you wanted to be an asshole and counted lives too.

Jin was talking quickly, and everything was stalling because the idiot didn’t have the sense to actually turn off his cell for once. He knew Jin was so sought after, so caught up in socialization that he couldn’t lose contact with his Merry Men for one fucking morning. It was annoying, like most things Jin did. Even the ones that he liked were adorably annoying, at most.

‘We’re working here…’

‘Sorry, Kame!’ Jin’s smile was even more annoying.

They went back to ‘looking natural on photoshoots’. Vaguely, he remembered the photographer’s instructions. ‘Be sexy!’ ‘Be alluring!’ What was next? ‘Make love to the camera!’?

‘Was it important, at least?’

‘Of course it was! Yamapi says Ryo says he’s going out with the guys and wanted to invite me.’

The stupidity. It was astounding, really.

‘That’s not important under any definition.’

Yamapi. Nishikido. The guys. Who were ‘the guys’ anyway? And since when did those two got along? He didn’t really care about the gossip, but he should’ve heard something. Since when did NEWS do the whole ‘member-ai’ thing?

Anyway, it wasn’t important and Akanishi was just being unprofessional. Unless…

No, he wasn’t going to ask. Besides, it was not like ‘the guys’ could include Matsumoto anyway, for obvious reasons.

‘Oh, Ninomiya is going too… I don’t know, it may be too much bitching for one night, since the Princess is coming too.’


‘Can I come?’

Why did he ask? Was he a masochist? Did he like being stressed out or something?

He looked around. He saw Taguchi. He saw Jin. He remembered his very full schedule. He also remembered the fact that his new album was called ‘Queen of Pirates’.

Yes. He was a masochist.


‘I wouldn’t ask you if I wasn’t serious.’

‘Then lighten up. You don’t need to be serious about everything, you know? Besides, I don’t know. It’s a lot of bitching already.’

‘You’re one to talk.’

‘I don’t bitch, I whine.’

‘You’re annoying either way.’

A voice, a tired voice, a voice that was even sicker of Jin and Kame’s annoying habit of annoying each other than Kame himself, chirped in.

‘Let him go, it’s obvious he wants to see Matsumoto!’

Stupid rapper. Stupid wannabe rapper.

‘Oh! You should have said so. Of course you can go! I told you you’re perfect for each other!’ said Jin with a good-natured smile.

Ha. Like he would believe that. It had been Jin’s plan in the first place, but it was obvious Jin had only done it to make his ulcer kill him faster.

So, yeah, his ulcer was still non-existent, but for how long?

Wait. Had Jin just winked at him? And elbowed him all buddy-like? Was he suddenly in another dimension?

‘It’s not because of Matsumoto. Why would I want to see that guy again?’ he said, trying to sound unaffected and nonchalant and definitely not wanting to meet Matsumoto with the sole purpose of cuddling… of having wild and exceptional sex. Yeah, that.

‘You are in love, I can tell.’

Jin was begging for Kame to kill him, wasn’t he? No judge would convict him. It was perfectly rational. It was self-defence, damn it. It was either kill him or lose the few neurons he had left.

‘No, I’m not. Can I go or not?’

‘Well, yes, I think so. I’ll let you in the name of love.’

Self-defence. It would be fucking self-defence.

Worst mistake of his life. No, second biggest mistake of his life. No, third, if you counted entering the Jimusho as a mistake, and he was starting to do so. Well, and there was that incident with the hamster ball and the bearskin rug, but that was beside the point.

Matsujun, apparently too tired from shooting (it was just a stupid movie!), hadn’t show up and now he was stuck between Taguchi, who was failing to provide any intelligent conversation like always, and Ninomiya, who was getting way too snuggly with a random Arashi member. Were those guys joined at the hip or something? He saw no reason at all for the whole band to come. Except for the Princess, of course.

‘He should just text him, shouldn’t he, Leader?’

The drunken Arashi member nodded but said nothing. Nino went on, not even bothering to look at Kame.

‘Because we all know that Jun is an addictive drug.’

He refused to play along. But yet he stayed.

‘And we all know he has been anxiously waiting for a call.’

Then he should call first.

‘But Jun doesn’t want to call! He won’t call because he’s way too proud… but that doesn’t matter, because he’s been seeing somebody

He didn’t buy it. At all.

But he called.

Drunken calls at 3 AM. He knew he was to expect at least three, because the others had gone out drinking and Aiba was the most communicative drunk in existence.

It probably was him, telling him about the exciting new idea he had for the show! It involved a lion, a tiger and three bottles of rum. And Jun was to test it, wasn’t it fun?! Jun was so sweet, always testing the ideas first!

Or maybe it was Ohno, saying happy birthday, because maybe he had forgotten it was Jun’s birthday so he was calling to check.

Or Nino, to tease him about the skinny idiot. He was getting unbearable lately. So he hadn’t erased the number. It didn’t have anything to do with that night, at all. The only reason he hadn’t erased it was in case Akanishi ran into the yakuza, annoyed them and ended up needing a blood transfusion. He was sure Kamenashi would be the first to know, so it was only logical to keep the number, just in case. So OK, he wasn’t even sure he and Akanishi had the same blood type but…

Maybe it was Sho, in which case it’d be just mumbling. Hilarious half-English mumbling, even.

He picked his cell up, sick of hearing that stupid song. Why had he picked Perfume out of all groups?

‘It’s not my birthday.’ he said, half-asleep.

‘I wouldn’t care, even if it was.’

He thought he recognized the voice. He looked at the display. It said ‘Cute drunk’. He chuckled at his own wit.

‘I knew you’d call first!’

‘Shut up.’

‘Don’t get mad. It’s bad for your health, Kamenashi-kun.’

‘You’re the one that makes me mad.’

‘So, why are you honouring me with a call?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘You’re drunk.’

‘Maybe. Maybe I’m so drunk I lost all my survival instincts.’

‘Maybe you’re so drunk you need a place to crash.’


‘Ask Nino for the key.’

‘But why does Ninomi…’

Matsumoto hung up, without answering. He knew Arashi members were close, but that close? He felt jealous. Of Arashi’s closeness, obviously. Because it was general Arashi closeness, not particular Ninomiya and Matsumoto closeness.

‘Ninomiya-san, Matsumoto…’

‘The key, isn’t it?’

‘Eh, yes. Why do you…?’

‘None of your business… for now.’

‘I’m… I live too far away and taxis…’

‘I’m not judging. In fact, nobody is judging you. Everyone here knows Jun is very special.’

‘Yeah, he’s special all right.’

‘So special we should be happy there’s only one.’


‘But don’t worry, everybody here knows exactly how special Jun is.’

‘Are you trying to make me jealous?’

‘No, I’m just telling you Jun can pick whoever he wants. So now that he has picked you, you better treat him well.’

‘You’re drunk.’

‘Yeah, and I’m a mean drunk. Violent even, so if you dare to…’

Strangely, he didn’t have to specify the threat. The look in his eyes was enough to scare anybody, up to Dracula’s crazy aunt.

‘I won’t spoil his virtue, OK? Besides, he can take care of himself. And more importantly, it’s not like… we’re just… It’s not serious.’

‘I was just saying, wasn’t I, Oh-chan?’

Just saying. And he was just crashing at Matsumoto’s place. Nothing more, not even sex. He had to work the next morning. And so did Matsumoto, he had asked his manager.

He sounded like one of his scary fans… one that was lucky enough to have VIP access. He shuddered at the thought.

He opened the door and found his way across the darkness. He crashed against the bed but didn’t make any noise.

So there he was, trying to get asleep in Jun’s bed. Wait, no, Matsumoto’s bed.

Oh, no, not the cuddling again.

‘I won’t tell anybody you like to cuddle, don’t worry.’

‘I don’t like to…’

It couldn’t hurt, could it? After all, it was just harmless cuddling nobody would ever hear about.

‘I was planning on some amazing sex, but that will have to wait until next day off.’


‘Ha, so you do think it’s amazing.’

‘Yes, it is, now sleep.’

‘It’s my bed, you know? I could kick you out.’

‘You won’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘I’m too cute.’

‘You’re not. I know cute. You’re not it. Ohno is cute. Chinen is cute. A rabbit is cute. Damn, a truck is cuter than you.’

‘You said I was cute.’

‘I was drunk at the time.’

‘But you won’t kick me out. We both know it. Could we just sleep? I’m tired.’

‘OK, you are cute in your very own way. In the way an angry hedgehog is cute.’

‘That’s the kind of cute you like the most, isn’t it?’

Jun couldn’t argue against that.

Jonnajonna594 on January 19th, 2009 09:34 am (UTC)
Oh, I really like this new pairing :) They fit together <3<3
Sole Sakuma: hiro/andosolesakuma on January 19th, 2009 06:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
salwaphoenixsalwaphoenix on January 19th, 2009 10:00 am (UTC)



YES XD The divas are back, on bed XD

And the cuddling.. oh so snarky divaliciously done ^^

I'm waiting for their date ^^
*my not so subtle way of asking for more* XD
Sole Sakuma: Ohmiyasolesakuma on January 19th, 2009 07:02 pm (UTC)
Thak you. :D

XDDDDDDD Yes, I am writing more, don't worry. XP
puffie_hanchanpuffie_hanchan on January 19th, 2009 10:20 am (UTC)
oh XD i love this XDDDDDD
Sole Sakuma: pride & prejudicesolesakuma on January 19th, 2009 06:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :DDD
jacinthe86jacinthe86 on January 20th, 2009 01:47 am (UTC)
Too cute <3
Sole Sakuma: Super Masho Masho Mansolesakuma on January 20th, 2009 02:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
ブルース: yellow; ryobluesyuy on January 20th, 2009 06:11 am (UTC)
Hah! Love it! XD
Sole Sakuma: Ohmiyasolesakuma on January 20th, 2009 02:02 pm (UTC)
Natayuumei_nata on January 20th, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
Aww ^^ Yay for the slightly rarer pairings! T'was funny and sweet <3
Sole Sakumasolesakuma on January 20th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
I wish it weren't. XP

welcome to the antverse: KAT-TUN - kame approvesant_power on January 22nd, 2009 03:12 pm (UTC)
So, you know how last time I said you were a genius? Now I think you're a genius to the power of infinity!!

So, they weren’t exactly great musicians, but at least they sounded good. Half of the time. OK, sometimes, if you wanted to be an asshole and counted lives too

LOL, it's funny because it's true!! I love the flippant/sarcastic tone you write this with, it's so perfect for Matsukame! I love the way Kame goes from being annoyed at Jin to inviting himself out for the night. He's so smitten!! XP And I love that it's Koki who butts in and explains the situation to Jin. XDDD

I love the sneaky Ohmiya cuddles you've slipped in there, and Nino's crafty way of getting Kame to call Jun.

LOL, I kind of really want to read a fic where Jin runs into trouble with the yakuza, it'd be all sorts of hilarious!! XP

Nino having the key to Jun's place and then acting all protective is the most win thing ever!! <3333

Kame loving to cuddle is just too cute!! Like Ohno/Chinen/rabbit cute, even!! And I love that Jun calls him an angry hedgehog!

You're totally going to write more, right????


Sole Sakuma: anwensolesakuma on February 4th, 2009 05:43 pm (UTC)
Of course I am! And I am including Aiba and Nishikido this time.
welcome to the antverse: Aiba - yayant_power on February 25th, 2009 05:41 am (UTC)
ungalad: Igo Rabuungalad on January 29th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC)
I think I'd have to quote the entire fic to tell which were my favorite phrases. Made of shiny~ (and diva!). Seriously, from now on I'll ship MatsuKame~! *v* The universe needs them!
Sole Sakuma: Matsujunsolesakuma on February 4th, 2009 05:42 pm (UTC)
LOL, SCONErolling_scone on March 14th, 2009 09:17 am (UTC)
Damn, a truck is cuter than you.

I want an icon with that. dfsjkhgdkjhsfajkhgfhkgasf
Sole Sakuma: Matsujunsolesakuma on March 14th, 2009 07:39 pm (UTC)

Thank you very much!!!
LOL, SCONE: cute truckrolling_scone on March 15th, 2009 02:16 pm (UTC)
sorry, I had to. >.>
Sole Sakuma: Matsujunsolesakuma on March 15th, 2009 06:42 pm (UTC)
I'm absolutely flattered. :D